State of the Union 2006 "Hon Candidates"

Here are just a couple of highlights from the January 31st State of the Union 2006 (insert dramatic echo and lasers for effect) that caught my eye:

Keeping America competitive requires us to be good stewards of tax dollars. Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year, and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009. (Applause.)

The keyword there is "non-security". At last count--the actual 2006 number should be released on Monday--the US is looking at a roughly $400 billion deficit. I'm sure the American taxpayer is peeing their pants in joy at the prospect of $14 billion in savings thanks to further social program cuts. According to Richard Cogan (no relation to Justin), some policy guy who spoke with MSNBC, those 'underperforming' programs which should be cut include higher education grants for low-income Americans, housing assistance for those with disabilities, and health centres in poor neighbourhoods. I'm going to assume that these cuts are necessary (why would I have a reason to question the White House). And even if they're not, don't worry, the poor kids who get cut off can just go sign up for the military. I think they're looking for people to sign up--that could just be a rumour, though. I'll just take Rummy's word on that one.

Next...

...we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology.... To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy. (Applause.)

Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. (Applause.) By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past. (Applause.)

Here, I have to commend the President. Not for his actual plans--if someone could please guide me to a "zero emission" coal plant or an entirely "safe" nuclear waste site, that would be greatly appreciated--but for his determination. See, it takes a man of great character to admit he has a problem. Good for you, George, for admitting that the US is addicted to oil. That twelve-step recovery program for alcoholics you tore through while rediscovering Christ seems to have killed two birds with one stone.

Step one: admit you have a problem. On to step 2. According to Dr. Phil (PhD in psychology, not MD, in case you were wondering), we're supposed to move on to "think rational thoughts instead of denial." Oops. No one told this to the Department of Energy. Just one day after Georgie's epiphany, Bush's officials immediately went into denial. Apparently, reducing oil imports from the Middle East was "purely an example" that Bush used in his speech so that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands." To use a cute analogy, the State of the Union was kind of like that heart-warming scene in March of the Penguins. You remember that part where the parents hunt, digest, and regurgitate food for the baby penguins to eat? Well, it's kind of like that. Only this time, the food was lies (tastes great, less filling).


P.S. Just a technical note. I can't take credit for inserting "(applause)" in the quotes above. That's straight from the White House website where I grabbed the speech. Apparently, transcripts now include dramatic cues. Why stop there? I would like to have seen a more realistic interpretation if we're already in the mood to add ambience. I want to feel it, baby. Something like this would have been nice (the quotes are real, by the way):

"As we look at these challenges, we must never give in to the belief that America is in decline, or that our culture is doomed to unravel." [President Bush pauses, then, in the only way he knows how, shifts his facial features to his trademark smirk, evoking strength, vision, and, yes, we'll admit it, supreme arrogance]

OR

"Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite." [At this time, a low grumble begins to form among the audience... whispers are caught on tape: "Hey, wait a minute, did he just say we did nothing to invite this ideological conflict? I'm confused. Didn't we go and invade..." President Bush, blessed be his soul, realizes the foolishness of his last remark, yet refuses to acknowledge the error and soldiers on, pun intended.]

I'll let you know next year if they are listening.

...go to link...

posted by G E @ 2:20 p.m.