Conan for President
TV is a wacky medium. Take a couple of weird, and I mean truly weird, stories as examples.
First, there's the case of Conan O'Brien
"unduly" influencing elections in Finland. Or as one publication chose to describe it,
"Creepy American perv applies to inspect women's saunas" (ok, so that's from the Sault St. Marie online news--not really prime time reporting--but wow, what a headline).
For those who don't watch Conan, or have missed how Conan has emerged as a Finnish legend, a quick summary. Finland's president, Tarja Halonen (the "Conan" on the right of the picture above), was recently re-elected. Apparently, this was no big shocker. But some delusional observers are crediting her success to a series of night spoof campaign ads used by Conan on his late night show to support a woman he says has a "dynamic personality ... quick mind, and most importantly — my good looks."
Almost as ridiculous as that story is the news of Al Michaels, Monday Night Football's legendary announcer, being
traded to NBC Sports (note: that link is from the North Korea Times. Yes, North Korea. I guess Al is just as big in red Korea as Conan is in Finland. Who knew?). Details of the trade were not released. Oh, wait,
they were (remind me not to read North Korean news if I want to get the full story on things. Once again, who knew?). Let's break out the score card.
Going to NBC is: Al Michaels.
Going to ABC/ESPN is: Monday Night Football promos will run on NBC Sunday night games for the next five years; ESPN gets live rights to four Ryder Cups and Olympic highlights; and, finally--I can't make this up--ABC/Disney regains the rights to Disney's pre-Mickey Mouse cartoon
Oswald The Lucky Rabbit, for some reason owned by NBC for quite some time. My in-depth archival research (i.e., none) revealed that Oswald's departure from Disney was the result of his disappointment in seeing Mickey get a hot braud like Minnie to spend time with, while Jessica Rabbit, the "fox", if you will, of the rabbit world was never actively recruited by Disney management. Unfortunately, Oswald was unavailable for comment when I tried to contact him (tip: don't call Disney headquarters trying to speak with fictional characters...they're not big on that).
'Canada to Shield 5 Million Forest Acres'
You can call me a tree-hugger, fine. But that's not the issue.
The issue is that I learned about this
story on the New York Times website. The night before it's supposed to be announced by the BC Government. An American newspaper. Not Canadian.
What's wrong with this picture? (the rhetorical one, you know, not the pretty one on the right)
State of the Union 2006 "Hon Candidates"
Here are just a couple of highlights from the January 31st State of the Union 2006 (insert dramatic echo and lasers for effect) that caught my eye:
Keeping America competitive requires us to be good stewards of tax dollars. Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year, and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009. (Applause.)
The keyword there is "non-security". At last count--the actual 2006 number should be released on Monday--the US is looking at a roughly $400 billion deficit. I'm sure the American taxpayer is peeing their pants in joy at the prospect of $14 billion in savings thanks to further social program cuts. According to Richard Cogan (no relation to Justin), some policy guy who spoke with
MSNBC, those 'underperforming' programs which should be cut include higher education grants for low-income Americans, housing assistance for those with disabilities, and health centres in poor neighbourhoods. I'm going to assume that these cuts are necessary (why would I have a reason to question the White House). And even if they're not, don't worry, the poor kids who get cut off can just go sign up for the military. I think they're looking for people to sign up--that could just be a rumour, though. I'll just take
Rummy's word on that one.
Next...
...we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology.... To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy. (Applause.)
Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. (Applause.) By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past. (Applause.)
Here, I have to commend the President. Not for his actual plans--if someone could please guide me to a "zero emission" coal plant or an entirely "safe" nuclear waste site, that would be greatly appreciated--but for his determination. See, it takes a man of great character to admit he has a problem. Good for you, George, for admitting that the US is addicted to oil. That twelve-step recovery program for alcoholics you tore through while rediscovering Christ seems to have killed two birds with one stone.
Step one: admit you have a problem. On to step 2. According to
Dr. Phil (PhD in psychology, not MD, in case you were wondering), we're supposed to move on to "think rational thoughts instead of denial."
Oops. No one told this to the
Department of Energy. Just one day after Georgie's epiphany, Bush's officials immediately went into denial. Apparently, reducing oil imports from the Middle East was "purely an example" that Bush used in his speech so that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands." To use a cute analogy, the State of the Union was kind of like that heart-warming scene in March of the Penguins. You remember that part where the parents hunt, digest, and regurgitate food for the baby penguins to eat? Well, it's kind of like that. Only this time, the food was lies (tastes great, less filling).
P.S. Just a technical note. I can't take credit for inserting "(applause)" in the quotes above. That's straight from the White House website where I grabbed the speech. Apparently, transcripts now include dramatic cues. Why stop there? I would like to have seen a more realistic interpretation if we're already in the mood to add ambience. I want to
feel it, baby. Something like this would have been nice (the quotes are real, by the way):
"As we look at these challenges, we must never give in to the belief that America is in decline, or that our culture is doomed to unravel." [President Bush pauses, then, in the only way he knows how, shifts his facial features to his trademark smirk, evoking strength, vision, and, yes, we'll admit it, supreme arrogance]
OR
"Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite." [At this time, a low grumble begins to form among the audience... whispers are caught on tape: "Hey, wait a minute, did he just say we did nothing to invite this ideological conflict? I'm confused. Didn't we go and invade..." President Bush, blessed be his soul, realizes the foolishness of his last remark, yet refuses to acknowledge the error and soldiers on, pun intended.]
I'll let you know next year if they are listening.
Liberal Race: Rae of light or Death-Rae?
OK. My political nap is over. From cookies to candidates...
Seems like Bobby Rae (I don't think he minds if I call him Bobby) is being touted as a potential candidate to lead the federal Liberal Party (
link). That's right, the
opposition Liberal Party. (I don't mean anything by that word stress, I just haven't ever had the opportunity to write that. That felt, um, different.)
"To test the appetite for his candidacy, Rae is being urged to declare that he is considering throwing his hat in the ring and then go on a cross-country tour to talk to party members."
I guess it's not that big a deal that Rae is thinking of switching sides. He hasn't technically been an NDPer since 1998 and last time I saw him he was working with Mike Harris at the Goodmans law firm in Toronto. Considering Rae's
proposals for post-secondary educations--i.e., let students pay more, tuitions go up--I'm not entirely surprised.
I don't doubt that he's a smart man. He's a lawyer, Rhodes scholar, etc. Which sets the stage for quite a battle for the liberal leadership against, well, I don't really know at this point, but chances are at least one other smart man will be involved: Michael Ignatieff (Kyle, I'm sure you're salivating at the prospect of debating Ignatieff's merits).
To begin the debate on the Liberal leadership, which I'm sure will last forever as the Grits try to steal the limelight from "Harper and the Hounds" (I just coined that, props to me), I'd just like to inform everyone that a personal story might develop if Rae and Ignatieff plan on running against eachother.
See, Bobby and Mikey were roommates in university, I believe at Oxford (though they first met at U of T). I can see it now, the leadership debate to beat all leadership debates:
Ignatieff: Hence, therefore, ergo (insert Harvard word here) Bobby is a schmuk. I made out with his girlfriend during Frosh.
Rae: Mike is an ass. He never cleaned the dishes. Would you vote for an ass?
If I had a PVR, I'd be setting it up right now. But I don't. So the above will have to do.
